Confessions, Part 2

See Confessions, Part 1.

...

Lucas,

I'm glad your skeptical. Stay that way. Belief in anything is a mistake. There's not a thought that can be expressed by human language that isn't, in some way, off the mark. A good friend of mine often reminds me that "nothing is knowable". Your mistrust is wisdom.

As far as convincing you or offering you "proofs", I've no real interest. What is in this for me is the act of finally telling someone what has happened from my point of view. Whether that someone ever believes me is completely beside the point.

But do needle me with questions if something seems out of place Lucas. That's a tendency that others will find irritating but you'll need to continue the habit.

As for the gaggle of strange and duplicitous figures from The Nautonier, Neurocam, and of course our dear Yellow-1, let's just say... nothing that is said is meant to communicate knowledge. Rather, it is meant to have an effect. You will be told things that aren't "true" in the strictest sense of how we use that word, but that doesn't mean it isn't important to work with what you're given. See the Freemason Degree system for a good public example of that.

Besides, the trick with these groups is that they're larger than the members realize. You know how it is with these things... all of it is cell-based, people who think they're in charge are often just pawns, and there may or may not even be a head. Most of the time it isn't important to know one way or another, and this system of operation in ignorance has been quite effective.

That's how the current crisis started of course... but I digress...

Good bunch though, always up for a bit of hey-hey and what-what if you know what I mean.

...

So, you'd like to start with me and my work. Of all the things you could have asked, that's one of the most difficult. Still, I find the idea of talking about myself an interesting one considering how little I know about the subject.

A few months ago I was cleaning out an old residence of mine, shredding old papers and disposing of a bit of equipment that had been left there. One always needs to go back and sweep up the detritus, Lucas. I've seen entire enterprises fall apart because someone left a few notes behind that get discovered by another organization and the next thing you know "smallpox" is back.

I was shifting a larger filing cabinet onto a dolly when I noticed a folder had slipped through onto the floor. I've taped folders to the back of drawers before, but apparently the tape gave out at some point. Strangely, I had no memory of doing this. When I opened the folder I was quite surprised at the contents.

Apparently at some point I had put my "real" papers there. Here was my birth certificate, passport, driver's license and even my high school diploma. It was the first time I had seen my birth name in print in years.

Obviously, I shredded it all before burning it.

My original identity, the one my parents gave me, is something I've carefully purged from the world as well as my own memory. The reason for this was a good one, I think, but the truth is I can't really remember the whole story from back then. More than likely it was a precursor to the intense mental training and surgery that followed.

The work that I do takes me through a number of organizations that are often under the impression that they are working against one another. In order to encourage this misconception I'll often create identities and histories for myself. This allows me to see things from the perspective of other people with complete sincerity, and it also allows me to blend in with groups I would otherwise not connect with at all. Each personality is fully formed and "runs the show", so to speak, with an "operating system" personality running in the background to keep me on-task. One might say that I have a dissociative disorder, only I generally feel like I'm in the driver's seat and am fully capable of consciously managing the different identities and the personalities that go along with them.

It's quite handy. Things like panic and rage become completely optional. I can cry or laugh and mean it whole-heartedly, and I can watch with casual detachment as surgery is done on my knee or my entire life's work goes down in flames. Sexual preference is arbitrary. Allergies can be mounted or unmounted as needed. True psychopathy and a state very close to autism is available to me as well.

The pathos I used when reacting to the sounds in Kiev, for instance, was genuine at the time.

In order to acquire this skill I was put through some intense training, a strict chemical and drug schedule, and a little minor surgery at the brain stem. Nothing too invasive, just a bit of damage that allowed me to heal the tissue back in a new way. I'm fairly confident that I'm not one of those dolls that have been brainwashed through trauma-based mind control from early childhood - my "therapy" is radically different from the procedures they undergo. I became involved in the work a bit too late in life for that anyhow; at my age the traditional trauma mind recoding systems would just reduce me to a useless gibbering mass.

It should be noted that I did lose about a year and a half of memory at one point after my training had begun, This was about 3 years after the purge point of my early memories. During that time a few people thought to use me as they typically would a member of one of the formal mind control programs. When I began to reconstruct a "sense of self" enough to work around the programming, believe me, my "handlers" paid dearly.

I am an independent agent. Would-be handlers know better now.

Sadly, this hasn't resulted in the ability to "download" information into the brain. I've run a few experiments on this over the years, of course, but current technology only just barely achieves what a good hypnotherapist can accomplish without any outside aid. I had always meant to come back to this but more tantalizing projects came along and it fell by the wayside.

That's enough about me for now. Next time I'll discuss my work in brief.

Do let me know if you have questions.

Regards,

Sirus